真实案例

张女士在教育孩子问题上非常苦恼,原因是自己与丈夫总是意见不合,十分苦恼,尤其当跟老人出现分歧时更麻烦。 比如丈夫更追求孩子的高成绩,孩子外婆也同样把成绩看得很重要,所以孩子的压力很大。丈夫的潜意识里认为孩子就应该是好成绩,他不愿意孩子去补习班,觉得差生才补习,上课认真听讲就没问题,周末放假好好玩。

但他不参与孩子的学习过程,只光指责结果,总是把自己的想法强加给孩子,孩子虽然心里不舒服又不敢反抗。表面上孩子会先答应爸爸的要求,背后总是和张女士唠叨说:你看我爸老要求这么高,真是无法跟他沟通,当初你究竟是怎么看上我爸的?

而且丈夫跟孩子发火的时候,张女士又不在场,所以孩子又向她哭诉道:你都不能替我做主!可如果张女士护着孩子那更加乱套,所以张女士也很头疼不知该怎么办。

具体分析

从张女士的例子里,可以看出她先生的状态是在强调散养的自主学习、宽容教育,虽然看起来好像要求很严,但他的逻辑基本是孩子的学习应该是在学校认真地学,周末充分地玩,假如在单位时间内,孩子成绩没有提高或是占优,那么父亲就会思考孩子在学校的态度和状态不积极,违背了他周末给孩子放任的初衷。

所以他先是通过批评给孩子压力,让孩子集中精神,希望能借此让孩子提高成绩。而母亲的态度则认为孩子目前状态也还行,不应该强制压迫孩子使成绩提高,降低标准也不要紧,这就是双方在教育问题上所面临的困境。

对策意见

(1)认清孩子天赋水平

从孩子自身发展的角度来讲,两个方面确实需要澄清:

一、有的孩子悟性确实不高,但成绩好不一定都是悟性高;

二、认清自家孩子的天赋到底在什么水平。

针对孩子的弱点,加以补强是必要的,有的孩子确实是靠上课领悟就足够,但有的孩子确实需要在课业之外再进行学习理解。任何教育理念都有它针对的环境和人的特点,脱离了这种特点就从真理变成了荒谬。

(2)达成教育共识

假如夫妻之间想要在教育问题上达成共识,首先需要对孩子的实际状态有个基本了解。别将从外界听来的理论,草率地放置在孩子身上,一定要根据情况进行分析是否适合。

不仅要尊重发展规律,也要根据孩子的特点去选择和思考。当家长把孩子的特点与规律琢磨清楚以后,才能在教育过程当中发表针对性的意见,而不是单纯用手段给孩子压力或者一味的降低要求。

共识,首先是基于现实的理解,教育理念只有合适与否,不是价值观念上家长主观期望认同哪一种。

(3)基于孩子情况做规划

当然,夫妻口径一致这点也是对的。但在这个案例里,关键问题其实是要根据孩子的特点制定靠谱的教育规划,脱离了这点,谈自由,谈结果,都是不现实的。

一定要先基于孩子的情况做规划,而不是基于父母理念;即便是强调自主学习的教育,也要强调过程方法,不能完全只期待孩子自己的悟性。

夫妻关系优于亲子关系,所以父亲和母亲需要解决的问题是如何面对和处理差异,又如何看待差异。

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